Confidence: I needs it.

I have a confidence problem.

I can go up to any stranger and strike up a conversation (although, if it's a guy who's alone and I'm not with anyone, I always worry he'll think I'm hitting on him, which would probably make him feel awkward ... which makes me feel awkward). That's not the kind of confidence I'm missing (although, come to think of it, I'm often thinking to myself when I'm the one talking in those situations, "I sound like an idiot. Why am I telling this story? He/she doesn't care!").

What I'm missing is confidence in my abilities. 

I don't think I'm a very good writer. There are occasional posts here where I feel like I really expressed myself as I meant to. While I have gotten compliments on my writing for pretty much my entire life, I still feel like it's something I used to be good at, but that I lost it somewhere. I honestly feel like I just write the way I talk. That probably came from my job back when I started this little blog ... a job that involved editing a lot of letters and columns by both journalists and wannabe journalists. Too many people tried to come off like literary geniuses, using words they never say in real life (and are likely using incorrectly) and throwing in a couple uses of the word "whom" (again, often incorrectly) to try to make them sound more intelligent. Lame. And also obvious. And annoying.

Confidence is my big problem with kickball. When I go up to the plate to kick, I'm thinking, "Crap. Here's another out. Sorry, teammates." And if I manage to keep the ball on the ground (instead of popping it up, where it's easily catchable) and actually get to first before the ball does, when my teammates compliment me on my kick, I assume they're just being nice. Like they're trying to be supportive and are excited for me that I, the sucky girl, actually got on base. I don't take it as a rude thing; I just feel like I know my role.

I have the same problem with pop flies in kickball. They take SO long to get to me, and the whole time I'm thinking, "I'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss it. Ohshitohshitohshit." The balls that scream at me when I'm on third? I'll totally catch those easily. No time to think about it. 

And photography. I feel like I have an eye for it, but that doesn't mean I can do it myself. When people compliment my photos, I think they must either not really know about photography, or they're just being nice. 

Just yesterday, I sent out some pictures of our kickballer friends' wedding a few weeks ago. A friend of mine whose dad was a wedding photographer and who dabbles in it a bit herself emailed me: 

Shit, girl! These are awesome! Can I share your link with a couple people at work? I have a couple of friends that are really interested in photography and are always looking to see good work. If not, totally cool. Just thought these are so great that they deserve extra sharing.

I figured she was being nice. That she'd noticed the lighting was inconsistent and that some of the backgrounds were washed out, and she wanted to send them to her coworkers as an example of what could've been better and how. Again, it's not because I think she's mean or that I took her actually very nice and awesome email in a rude way. I just didn't believe it.

That is, until K messaged me yesterday saying the girl's boyfriend had sent him a message yesterday morning: "Janet says MLIB should be hired as a photographer."

This confidence thing is the reason I don't dance, that I didn't play sports when I was younger, and actually part of the reason I didn't become a TV reporter. In a field full of job-hungry, often cocky people who are willing to do whatever they have to do to get a job, I'd have been eaten alive.

Speaking of jobs, every time I've been hired for a job, I kid you not, I think, "Man, I'm glad no one else applied for this job." Because clearly, if there was competition, I'd lose. Despite the fact I have a great resume and do well in interviews.

The confidence issue is part of why I was so unhappy in my first job. A decent portion of my daily duties involved writing headlines that hundreds of thousands of people would read, and it was hard for me to feel like I was good at something so subjective. That's why I liked editing: The rules were black and white (for the most part).

Whether it's my looks, cooking, baking ... heck, even leaving voice messages or dressing/accessorizing myself, I always feel like it's not good enough.

Maybe it's impossible standards. Maybe it's modesty to a fault.

Whatever it is, I sure wish I could crank it down a few notches.