I don't even know his last name

I had my first massage today from the gift certificate K got me for Christmas. It was nice, but I think next time will be more relaxing than today. I didn't know what to expect, and it was hard to allow myself to completely enjoy it when I wasn't sure where Mr. Massage Guy was going to be putting his hands next.

It's crazy the things you can think of to be self-conscious about during a massage: Are my legs smooth? Are my feet dry? Ugh, why do I have to have a blister on the bottom of my foot right now? I didn't even think to make sure my deodorant didn't glob on today; I hope he can't see it! Oh, he can probably feel how crooked my fingers are -- great.

I know he's probably massaged dozens and dozens (maybe even hundreds) of people in his career, and he's a professional, but it's hard not to get worked up over things like that while a person is staring at your body as they're rubbing it for an entire 50 minutes.

And that doesn't even include the lower lower back massage or the leg massage portions, during which the sheet was moved to expose one entire cheek at a time. Nerve wracking!

That's pretty much third base, right? I mean, there I am, naked on the table, and the sheet was only covering one half of my gluteus maximus. Which he was touching.

Including Mr. Massage Guy, I don't need all the fingers on one hand to count the number of guys who have seen my bare gluteus maximus (much less grabbed it for 10 straight minutes). All I knew about him was his job and his first name. I was wide awake, so I kept thinking of questions I wanted to ask him: How long have you been doing this? Do your hands get tired after massaging people all day, or do you get used to it? How long did you go to school to learn this? Did you have to get tons and tons of massages before you could learn to do it well yourself (because that would be awesome!)? Do you ever even buy people Christmas gifts, or do you just give massages (because if I were friends with a massage therapist, I'd totally be cool with that!)? Do you ever have stressful days at work? Is it possible to even be stressed out with all the aromatherapy candles, the dim lighting and the relaxing music? When you leave here, are you just really relaxed, or do you have a buildup of aggression because you have to be so relaxed all day long?

I kept my mouth shut, though, because I knew Mr. Massage Guy would tell me I wasn't relaxing if I was asking him all those questions. But I still wanted to know.

As if he didn't already know way more about me than I knew about him, it was surprising to see the things a masseuse can determine about you while he's doing his job. Mr. Massage Guy informed me that I carry my stress in my shoulder blades. Not only was he able to tell me that I grind my teeth, but he even informed me that I grind them very badly. He asked me if I wore a mouth guard when I sleep. When I told him I don't, he tried to peg me as someone who needed to visit the dentist. I thought I had him: I went to the dentist just this past summer, and he said nothing about my teeth grinding. But it's about time for my six-month checkup again, so I guess Mr. Massage Guy's radar even caught that.

After our time was up, Mr. Massage Guy left me alone in the room so I could put my fluffy white robe back on. I felt relaxed, cozy and completely pampered. I was wishing even more that K was here so I could really thank him again for such a thoughtful and perfect gift.

The whole experience was really nice, but it wasn't as relaxing as I had thought it would be. Mr. Massage Guy did a great job, so I know it was my own fault for not letting myself completely enjoy it. I fully expect my next visit to be better, now that I know what to expect. It's just always so nerve wracking getting to third base together the first time!