Even the good ones are jackasses sometimes

K called me this afternoon. We caught up on each others' weeks, and I told him how my 15k went yesterday. I forget what we were talking about, but somehow I mentioned Elle and how she got married on Friday.

That made me think of Heather and her wedding and the conversations Elle and I each had with Heather's husband B on the morning of their ceremony. I was laughing to K about how Elle and I had both talked to B without thinking about the fact it was such a big day for him. We were each being a little silly, and when he gave us short, quick, un-B-like responses, we realized he was nervous.

I remembered the morning of K's and my wedding day and how the photographer had commented that I was more calm than the boys. So I asked K if he was nervous that day. He said something along the lines of, "Not really. I mean, I was excited nervous, but not nervous like regretful nervous. That didn't happen until after."

I gasped and didn't say anything. "No, I'm just kidding. I don't really mean that," he said. Only it had already hurt.

I knew he was joking when he said it, but still. I hate jokes like that. My mom used to always throw the "d-word" in my dad's face when they'd get in fights. I told K I never wanted to do that -- even as a joke. I think once after we got engaged, we were joking around with each other and he took it one step further by saying something (jokingly) about rethinking the engagement. I told him I didn't like those jokes, and he never said anything like that again.

I considered immediately telling K that his joke had really upset me, but considering that I didn't know how much longer we had on the phone, I didn't want to bring down the rest of the conversation.

Maybe it wouldn't have stung as much if he'd been here, if we got to talk more than once or twice a week. If it hadn't been almost 8 months since we last saw each other. If spouses didn't cheat on each other during deployments. If he wasn't on the other side of the planet, and I wasn't keeping myself insanely busy with work and working out just to make the time go faster until this deployment is over.

But we are where we are and in the situation we're in, and it did sting.

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UPDATE

It's been a few hours now, and I feel a lot better. What's funny is I was just thinking about the conversation again and kind of replaying it in my mind, and I remembered that when K had said, "I'm kidding. I don't really mean that," he followed that with, "My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner." I was just so caught off guard by his comment (even though it was a joke) that he probably could've told me he'd won the lottery and it still wouldn't have registered with me.

I'm still not OK with the relationship jokes, but at least I'm not going to be in a total funk until the next time we get to talk.