Daily questions

How do you know when it's OK to say that it's not the right fit without feeling like a quitter?

How do you justify leaving when so many don't have jobs? Would it be so bad to tough it out for a year?

Is it worth the money?

How do these people think I'm a writer? Will they realize I'm not one and fire me?

How am I supposed to juggle everything they want me to do?

Are they paying me enough for all of these tasks?

When will these huge knots in my back disappear?

Just when I think you can't get any dumber ...

K just pinged me on my phone. He's 10 minutes away from my office (which means he's now about 40 minutes from his).

Evidently this was a planned surprise. Tomorrow marks 5 years from the day we met, so he wanted to do something special. Since he has a meeting or something tomorrow, he asked for an extended lunch today so he could surprise me with one of my favorite places for lunch!

Does that man know how to redeem himself, or what?!

Feeling annoyed

I got home from ER's shower tonight. It was a good, busy weekend, and I'll post about it later.

I had talked to K at around 5 today. When I asked if he was going to the gym or anything, he told me he planned on staying at the house to get some things done.

"Like what?" I asked.


"Just ... stuff."

So this means that in my last 3 hours of traveling, I had PLENTY of time to consider what "just stuff" could mean:

• Maybe he's mowing the yard, since we have 5 people coming to stay with us this weekend.
• Maybe he's hanging pictures in our room, since he moved the bed for me while I was gone -- something I'd been wanting done for a long time now. (I ruled the picture hanging out, since he doesn't know what I want to go in the frames, and he's smart enough to leave that to me!)
• Maybe he's going to buy flowers. Our I Do, Part 2 anniversary was Sunday, and he texted me AND put something about it in his Facebook status. And since he sent me flowers for Military Spouse Appreciation Day last year but didn't get me flowers this year, and since he didn't get them for me for Valentine's Day (which we boycotted, so I told him not to) OR for our first G Day, maybe he was getting them. I was sure of it, in fact. 

I was only gone 3 days, but I missed K and was really excited to see him. My monthly visitor was here when I left, so I was looking forward to some one-on-one time with K. 

When I got home, though, I found the dining room table cluttered with stacks of shit. I had ordered a couple packages the week before last, and they finally showed up in my absence. There were magazines and junk mail for me to go through. The way K stacks mail, he has to have it aligned in a perfect grid. It's nice and all, I guess, but I hate not being able to see my table under 19 stacks of papers, whether they're aligned or not. 

I immediately started going through everything in an effort to make the table look decent again. 

I went upstairs and saw the bed for the first time. I still can't believe K moved it on his own, but it's clear the boy doesn't quite know what he's doing with decorating. He had the window partially blocked with my night stand. We'll have to fix that soon. 

I studied the room, not sure if I liked the way it was looking now. K wasn't happy about that. I realized he'd vacuumed the floor. I asked if that's what he did after work before picking me up. It was. 

I'm glad he vacuumed. I appreciate it. But at the same time, that's it?! Vacuuming takes no time at all. And if you move furniture around in a room, vacuuming is on the list of things you HAVE to do when you're done. 

The bathroom countertop looked disgusting, and while K is gone, I always clean it, since he's got all of his toiletries with him and it's less stuff to move and clean under. 

The living room wasn't quite put together. It wasn't messy, but it wasn't tidied up. I KNOW vacuuming doesn't take that long upstairs. 

And there definitely weren't any flowers. 

Not to mention the fact that barely a minute after I got in the car, K was telling me about how he'd had an upset stomach the last two days. Nothing like not seeing your husband for 3 days, only to have him tell you about how much he shit while you were gone. 

Or having to throw out a super-ripe banana from the fruit bowl. How did he miss that?

I feel bad for thinking these things. K isn't my maid, so just because I'm gone doesn't mean he has to do all these things. HOWEVER, I've certainly done them constantly for him, so why can't he pick up the slack for once? 

But he vacuumed, and he is helpful. He moved our ginormous, unbelievably heavy bed BY HIMSELF because I've been wanting it done for a few months now.

I hate these internal battles.

I'm tired, and I'd like to be in bed, but I can't relax because I can only think about how much shit I have left to do around the house after being gone for this baby shower. 

Five people will be staying here this weekend, and one is arriving Thursday. That means I have tomorrow to clean everything, since Wednesday is kickball. 

And I realized I hate my job. I don't want to go back to work. All the ridiculous drama and childishness is really not worth it. If I didn't have work, I could clean the house with no problem. Except I wouldn't have my own paycheck.

Bummer. 

Can I go back to Texas again?

There's a sucker born every minute. This one was born almost 27 years ago.

ER's baby shower is this weekend. I'm flying back to Dallas for it. That's costing me almost $250.

I feel bad that I'm not there to help in all this time, so I've offered to do whatever I can from afar. I volunteered to do the invitations. I designed them, and I ordered (and had rush-delivered) 50 pale yellow envelopes so I could get them sent out in plenty of time. I printed them out, wasted a bunch of envelopes, bought postage, and mailed them. All in all, that probably cost me just under $45 (actually, there was an extra $30 if you add in the envelopes I originally ordered that arrived in a shocking shade of highlighter yellow).

So I'm at about $300 (without the oops envelopes). Then you add in the $50 I contributed with two other girls for a stroller or car seat or who knows what.

And there's the $60 I spent entirely on my own at H&M because they have adorable baby clothes that are so cheap it's hard NOT to buy them. That's my own fault, but it adds into the cost. And so does the $7 ridiculously adorable headband I ordered from Etsy.

Seriously, is this not one of the most adorable damn things you've ever seen?!!! I'm not even kidding, I was THISCLOSE to ordering two just to hang onto one for the next 10 years until K and I have kids of our own (please, oh please, let us have a little girl with springy brown curls!).

Now we're talking about the final preparations this weekend. I recommended some games. ER's sister found some game where everyone paints a onesie. I've offered a couple times more to do anything I can to help. ER's sister suggested I go to Wal-Mart to buy plain white onesies. They're $10 for a 5-pack. We need 30.

That means I'll be spending $60 on onesies we'll be virtually destroying.

Which brings my grand total for this shower to $480. Which is effing ridiculous. Especially since it doesn't include the money I won't be making for taking Monday off (without pay, since I haven't accrued a day of vacation yet) when I travel back, since the shower is on Sunday afternoon.

ER's sister has mentioned that I could help on the day of the shower by going to a florist to pick up some flowers she's ordered. I don't know if that means I'll have to pay for those as well.

I know that I chose to fly to the shower. I'm excited about it. I know that I chose to go in on a gift with two other girls. I know I chose to spend $70 on adorable things I found for the baby.

I don't remember if I volunteered to co-host the shower, but as far as I'm concerned, that was never a question. ER is my best friend. She was my maid of honor.

I'm not sure how we'll handle things at the end -- if the four of us hosting (ER's sister, me, ER's friend from San Diego who is NOT flying in for the shower, and a college friend who randomly volunteered to help) will tally up the shower costs and divide them among the four of us, or if everything will go unmentioned and we'll just suck it up individually. I'm definitely too much of a sucker to say anything about it.

I guess it's a good thing I have my own job now. I definitely know where this paycheck is going.

Cuttin' it kinda close ...

All right, let's say that -- hypothetically -- your best friend had a birthday a couple weeks ago. You're seeing her this weekend for the first time in months, and she'll be having her first baby in less than two months.

Since it's her last birthday before babies, I'd like to do something special for her. Any great almost-a-mommy gift ideas?

Bring on the guests!

This is our first week to have the house to ourselves in a month! 

We had a friend (and his unbelievably, patience-testing, neurotic dog) stay with us for about two-and-a-half weeks. Then, my stepsisters came to visit us last Monday through Saturday. The girls were actually our first non-East Coast visitors! 

I know things are tough and money is tight for pretty much everyone right now, but we've had so many friends say to us, "We're going to come visit you for [spring break/our anniversary/our vacation]." I know that just because people say that doesn't mean they're coming, but when they start asking me about airports and average temperatures, I think, Well, I guess they are coming!

But the girls were the first ones to follow through. When it feels like we're constantly traveling to see everyone else, it was nice to get to play tour guide to some of our friends!

The girls had a great trip, and my mom said they can't stop talking about how fun it was. Unfortunately, K and I had to work the whole week, but we were able to spend evenings with them. I got to have lunch with them and show them around the area I work.

So fun! They were wonderful visitors. Maybe their tales of their fantastic trip will inspire a couple more to come our way!

A brighter day

I guess I'm just going to have a love-hate relationship with this job.

Monday, just like the entire week before it, was ridiculously stressful. And frustrating. When I got off work, I called K and vented to him, as I'd done the entire week before it, about the same topics I'd vented about the entire week before. He finally told me he couldn't take it anymore, that I should talk to my boss about it or put in my two weeks' notice.

And then Tuesday was better. It had its frustrating moments, but the ridiculous feeling of pressure and stress was noticeably gone. I even managed to be very productive! Today has been the same. I like my job today.

I'm getting more comfortable being honest about all of this to my coworkers -- even my boss. They're not surprised. I guess we're all in the same boat.

See, pretty much everything we do requires input and information from other people who are oftentimes too busy to give us that info in a timely or complete manner. So we're left scrambling, clawing, digging -- babysitting, even -- and stressed.

Many nights, by the time I get home, the last thing I want to see is my computer, which is partly to blame for my absence lately. (The other part is the fact we've had visitors the last 3 weeks. I'd like to keep my blog private, and they've all been using my computer.)

All this time, I thought it was just me. That if I told my coworkers I was frustrated, they'd think I couldn't handle the job. So not the case.

What a relief!

I'm overwhelmed

Why is that so hard to say?

OVERWHELMED.

Ugh.

It's a good question

Will I last here?

I'm starting to wonder.

At this point, I'm also not sure if I care.

Thank you, Thumper!

You know Thumper's famous advice: "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all"? (That's a double negative, but it's his exact quote, and you know what I mean. Also, shit! I've kind of broken the rule already.)

That's why I've been a bit silent lately. That and the fact I've been incredibly busy. We were gone all weekend (pleasant post about that later), and once we got back Sunday night, I was so busy with getting dinner ready, unpacking, and doing laundry that I didn't even get on my computer. I didn't touch it last night either.

K and I are getting into running again right now, which is turning out to be pretty unfun. It's been several weeks since I had an enjoyable run. That run was the 7-miles K and I did around our neighborhood. It's the one my knee swelled after, and the swelling only got worse after the 10-miler. Although I haven't had the swelling problem (knock on wood) since then, I've still hated every step of every single run we've done since*. My MRI is this week. Maybe after I meet with my doctor for the post-MRI followup, I'll feel better about running.

We've had a house guest the last two weeks, so that's kept me from the computer. He leaves this weekend.

But the biggest thing in my life right now is that new activity that takes up about 40 hours of my week. I'll go with Thumper on this one, too.


*Except for last Saturday, which wasn't really a run. Maybe that was the trick. But again, more on that later. :)