Feeling worthless

I don't know how much longer I can take this without going crazy. I feel like a lazy, worthless piece of existence.

I have no job. I have no friends here.

For the last couple weeks, I've been working remotely almost every day with the company I worked for in Dallas. It's been nice to have something specific to do each day (as opposed to a list of chores to do throughout the week), especially when it brings in money. But it's inconsistent. The work only goes from project to project. Not exactly consistent work.

We had two friends stay with us last weekend. One guy is in the area for a training class, so he's been here a lot the last month or so. The other drove down from Boston to see us. It was the first guy's birthday on Saturday, so we went out for dinner and drinks. It was three guys and me.

Since K is in the Army (and was stationed at such a shithole last time), I have often been in that situation -- being the lone girl with the group of guys. But that's how it always is here, since a couple of K's friends have found themselves in our area for training since we've moved here and since we don't know anyone here (girls or guys).

I was so excited to be going out on Saturday night! I picked out a really cute outfit and fun earrings. We didn't know where exactly to go out, so I had gotten on Facebook and asked a guy I worked with at the temp job if he had any recommendations. He gave us a list, so we picked a place and headed out.

The bar was all right. After we got there, the crowd started looking a lot younger. A live band played that was pretty decent. But going to a place like that with a group of guys is completely different than being there with a group of girls. Instead of talking and interacting with people, we sat at our table. Often in silence (although the loud band may have been partially to blame for that).

I felt awkward. Unfun. I love people watching, but it felt like we were at the table no one wanted to interact with, since we didn't look like we were having fun even amongst ourselves. Maybe it was because 3 of the 4 of us were married. Maybe I felt that way because I was the only sober one (someone's gotta be the DD).

I found myself (even more than at the gym or the grocery store or at restaurants) scoping out the crowd for girls my age who I could be friends with. Not that there's any uncreepy, unweird way to go about that: "Um, hi. You look my age, and I don't know anyone. I promise I'm not weird. Do you want to be my friend?"

I miss girl company. Getting dressed up to go out and spend time with your friends. I started thinking about the next time that will happen for me. Late spring at the earliest. It all depends on when I go back to OK & TX next.

That's a long time to wait.

So here I sit, wasting away in my living room. Again (although there is a work project that's supposed to be hitting my inbox anytime now). Because I don't have a job, and I don't know anyone here.

Blech.

*Note: I have applied for a couple of jobs lately. We'll see if anything comes out of that. I also looked up info for various volunteer organizations around here. I'm working on improving my situation, but I can still feel crappy about it for now. At least for a couple more hours.