What not to say

It seems to me that the majority of Americans either know someone who has deployed or are close to someone who has had a loved one deployed -- and if not, then surely they know someone who served in the military at one time.

Despite that, I guess I could see how people might not know what to say when they find out they're speaking to someone who has a loved one deployed. What I don't understand, though, is how with some people, common sense manages to completely disappear when they find themselves in that situation.

The first time I witnessed such a case, I was offended. The guy seemed kind of weird to begin with, though, so I didn't think much of it, but I did share it with K, who seconded my opinion that the guy was a dumb@ss. After the third such conversation, though, I decided maybe it threw people off to find out something like that.


Example 1: Just after the wedding
I had flown to PA with K to see his family before he deployed. I had to get back to work, so I left earlier than K. My flight had gotten canceled, so several of us were bussed to one of the larger airports to catch a flight there instead. As a result of the canceled flight, we were all flagged to go through additional security. One of my original fellow passengers went through the extra security screening at the same time as me. He struck up a conversation about where I'd been, so I told him I was visiting my husband's family with him before he deployed.

"So you're on all his benefits and stuff, right?" the man asked me.

"Yeah."

"That's good, so if -- you know, God forbid -- something happens to him, you'll be taken care of."

[Because if something happened to K, my biggest concern would be whether or not I get his benefits. And I'm pretty sure I'm making it just fine with my college degree and my own job. I didn't marry him so I'd be "taken care of."]

Even though I thought his comment was insensitive and a little insulting, I just brushed it off.


Example 2: Two weeks before K deployed
K and I had just finished lunch and stopped by a dog store to find a cute toy for Piper. When I got to the register to check out, the cashier asked me for my name for their store rewards program. I gave her my name. She asked for my email address, which is my first name and maiden name.

"You mean you haven't changed your email address?" K asked me, pretending to be upset.

"No, and I'm not going to! It's too much trouble!"

The cashier said, "Try marrying someone in the military. That's a whole other set of fun name changes."

"I did! He's in the Army!"

The woman then asked K the standard military intro questions, including asking if he'd deployed before. K told her he'd spent a year in Korea, in addition to several months in Iraq and Afghanistan, and that he was leaving for Iraq for 15 months in just two weeks. The cashier told us her husband was in Korea on a year term.

"Be glad you're here," she said. "You're lucky to not be deployed."

"For a whole two weeks!" I said, "He's going to Iraq for the next 15 months!" I repeated.

"Well, I hope you make it back," she said.

!!!

K and I were too in shock at her remark to be able to respond. Obviously being away from your significant other is hard no matter what -- especially for such a long amount of time. But Korea? That's not a combat zone. K enjoyed his time in Korea and has said he wouldn't mind going back on vacation. Spouses can visit their soldiers who are stationed in Korea.

As we walked out the door, I said incredulously as if I was still talking to the girl (but not loud enough for her to hear me), "Thanks! I hope you don't get hit by a bus on your way home."

[Seriously? As a military wife, she should have known better than to say that.]


Example 3: The week after K left
I got caught in the hallway talking to one of our office maintenance guys, who said he hadn't seen me in a while. "Where were you? Did you go on vacation?" he asked me.

"No," I said, "my husband just left for Iraq, so I was helping him get ready to leave."

"Oh, really?" he said. "Man, that's hard ... because, you know, you might never see him again."

[Really? This was the conversation that made me realize sometimes people just don't know what to say, so they blurt out the first thing that pops into their brains.]


Example 4: My first massage
I didn't include this in my post about my first massage experience, but when the masseuse found out it was my first massage, he asked what had made me decide to get one.

"My husband got me a gift certificate for it," I answered.

"What did he do wrong?" the masseuse joked.

"Oh, nothing," I said, and I explained how he'd gotten it since he was deploying, telling me that if he wasn't here to take care of me, he wanted to make sure I would still be taken care of.

"Well I hope he makes it back in one piece," said the masseuse.

[Um, thanks? Me too?]


Example 5: Tonight
As I was leaving work, I got stopped in the hall by a man who wanted to pet Piper. We talked for a few minutes, and somehow the fact that K is in Iraq came up.

The man looked at me like I told him someone had just died. "You're husband's in the military?"

I nodded.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

I cocked my head and was ready to say K was in the military by choice when some other guy who I'd never seen before walked into our conversation. He had a "been-there-done-that" tone in his voice as he asked, "Your husband's in the military?"

"Yes."

"Army?"

"Yes."

The man gave a knowing nod. "Yeah, I did my time with ol' Uncle Sugars." (Yes, he actually said "Uncle Sugars.") The way he said it told me that he had stayed in only long enough to fulfill the terms of whatever obligation he'd entered under.

"He's going to be career. He likes it. It suits him well," I said, trying to explain that he is serving because it's his job -- a job he chose. Only "Uncle Sugars" guy had walked off, and the first guy I'd been talking to was still kind of looking at me funny.

The first guy's reaction had confused me. I think what he had intended to say was that he was sorry to hear that K is deployed right now, since it's not an easy thing to go through. I wanted to climb up on my soap box and say to him: "I am not sorry my husband is in the military. I am proud. He is a great leader, and it makes me feel good to know that people like him are over there so we can be safe here. Don't be sorry that he's in the Army. It's his choice. Be grateful for his service."

Instead, I gave him a cheerful "Have a good night!" and walked away.


I'm sure in all these cases, these people meant to say something other than what came out. I think most people are pretty supportive of the military and military families. I just wanted to share these because, honestly, I have realized I really just have to laugh at them. Plus, maybe sharing these stories will make someone who stumbles upon this post think twice about what they blurt out the next time they find themselves in a conversation with the proud spouse of a soldier.