In a funk

I have a confession to make: I am not feeling like my life is very brilliant lately. I've been staying busy with work, the gym and hanging out, but everything just seems pretty routine right now.

I've had little sunbursts, like realizing today at work that it was 5:20 and I could go home for the weekend, but I was happy sipping on a beer and talking to a couple coworkers. (I love my job!) I had a great dinner tonight with ER, her boyfriend and a few others. And my weekend's got a pretty big to-do list, with everything from the standard time at the gym and cleaning my apartment, to the not-so-standard tasks of wedding dress shopping and making care packages for friends in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I ordered K's birthday presents last night. I didn't realize it until K told me yesterday on the phone, but next weekend is the last time we'll see each other for about a month. Again. He'll be training through the month of August, and it'll be a miserable few weeks for him, with really long, really hot days. We probably won't get to see each other until Labor Day, and since both of our birthdays come before that, next weekend is when we'll celebrate.

It's frustrating that K could be deploying to Iraq in November and we're spending so much time apart right now. Although we still don't have a verdict on whether or not he'll deploy, every couple weeks something happens planning-wise that makes it seem more likely. There are precious few weekends from now until November, which makes missing four of them feel like a much bigger sacrifice.

One part of me is just ready to know if he'll deploy this year so we can start preparing ourselves for everything that means. And then there's my heart, which is doing an unbelievably good job of dismissing the fact that more plans are being made that point to their leaving.

I'm actually just realizing that I'm stressed about the possibilities. I've started really biting my nails again, and I hadn't done that in a long time. I've had a few people ask me point blank if I'm scared. That's such a confusing question to me. The love of my life could be going to a combat zone in a matter of months. The combat zone the media like to torture us with, giving constant "breaking news" updates on deaths, injuries and roadside bombs.

Maybe it's good it's not getting through to my heart how much of a possibility this deployment is. God knows the months he might be gone will be stressful enough without tacking some on beforehand.