More on the text message

No news on the text message from Saturday -- probably because I didn't do anything about it.

To catch you up on things with my mom, here are some quick facts:

• Last time I saw her: Christmas of 2006 (I actually think it was Dec. 23, because that's my dad's birthday, and I remember getting to see him on his birthday that year.)
• Last time we spoke: end of April
• Reason we stopped speaking: She was driving me nuts on wedding planning. ("You need to pick a reception site soon. Those book up fast." "I know, Mom. But we've only been engaged a little over 48 hours. And it's Tuesday night. Nothing is open. I'm looking for places this weekend." "Why are you having a night wedding? Why don't you just do it in the afternoon so you don't have to serve food for everyone?" "Mom, people are flying in for this wedding from all over -- Washington, Georgia, D.C., Hawaii, Pennsylvania, New York, Florida, Ohio ... The least we can do is serve them a little bit of food in a buffet, which is the cheapest option." "Why are you having an open bar? It sounds like you're just wanting to throw a party for everyone and pay for it. I think you're forgetting the whole reason for the wedding to begin with." "Mom, we're not having an open bar. We don't know what will work with our budget. That will probably be one of the last decisions we make a couple months before the wedding. We'll be paying for it, so you don't have to worry about it." And I had to bite my tongue from telling her of all people, she has no business telling me I'm forgetting the reason for the wedding. She's the one who cheated on her husband!)
• We exchanged a few emails from June through early September about the Florida wedding. After a series of emails where my mom brought up past arguments and talked about everything but the wedding, which was the purpose for the emails in the first place, I gave up. About three weeks before the wedding, a friend of my mom's called me out of nowhere and was telling me how upset my mom was that she wasn't coming to the wedding. I emailed her again, reminding her that the decision was still hers on whether or not she came. She gave me her standard immature response about how she felt like the decision was made for her. I wasn't going to beg. She made her choice.
• There has been no communication between the two of us since the fore mentioned email. She didn't call me, email me or text me on my wedding day. As far as I know, she hasn't seen any of the pictures. I guess my stepsisters could have shown her an album online, but who knows? And unless my stepsisters have told her, she has no idea that I have a dog or that K is in Iraq. As far as I'm concerned, it's all her own doing.

I'm stuck on what to do for this text message. In a way, I miss my mom too, but just a part of her. Unfortunately, it's a part I rarely get to see -- the cool, normal part of her.

I have heard many times from many people who know my mom well that they think she is bipolar. It makes sense. She's exhausting! Do you know anyone who has forced a preacher to stop accepting their phone calls? My mom has!

And the trouble is, my mom thinks she's normal. See, right after my parents separated, my mom changed a lot. But not nearly as much as she thinks. My mom used to get angry at the drop of a hat. This was the yelling, manipulative, abusive woman I grew up with. Once I was out of the house for good, she became a Christian. Overnight.

All of a sudden, she was worried about everyone else because they were all going to hell. Even my grandparents, who go to church pretty much every single Sunday. My grandmother, who has never had a drop of alcohol in her life and who is the picture-perfect cooking, baking, non-cursing, baby-loving, innocent, worrying grandma who gets "tickled" when someone says something funny -- my mom is convinced she's going to hell.

Since her religious awakening, she gets emotional at the drop of a hat. Which isn't so bad in itself, except she's still unstable. She's always had this way of twisting anything you say into something offensive to her or something completely different than what you meant. And the emotional mom, instead of getting angry and yelling like the mother I knew all my life, just starts crying -- often to the point that she can't breathe or speak. And then she hangs up on me.

After typing all this out, I'm thinking that any form of communication with her just isn't a good idea right now. My life is just less dramatic this way, and it's less stressful for the most part.

At church yesterday, though, I couldn't help but feel like this part of our reading was speaking directly to me:

Most merciful God,
By baptism you grafted us into the body of Christ,
Promising us forgiveness of sin and newness of life.
But we fail to live as forgiven people.
We keep destructive habits and hold grudges.
We allow our past to hold us hostage
And are reluctant to welcome newness.

What I can't figure out is have I learned from my past, and I know it's just not time yet? Do I need this time to grow and move forward without my mom in my life?

Or am I holding a grudge and letting my past hold me hostage?