Ready to run

When I was little, like a lot of kids do, I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Also like a lot of kids do, I changed my mind a lot. Actress. Singer. Lawyer. Teacher. Fashion designer. Helper. Writer.

I went back and forth on potential careers, but the one thing I didn't change my mind on was that I wanted to be tall when I grew up.

Sometime in 6th or 7th grade -- probably about the time I first really understood height measurements -- I decided I wanted to be 5'9" or 5'10". Just tall enough to not have to ask for help with items on the top shelf. I wasn't one of the tall kids in the class. My dad was right at 6', but my mom was 5'4". Who knew where I was going to wind up.

Then, in the summer between 8th and 9th grade, my body decided to grow very quickly. I started passing a lot of my friends. I got tall enough that when people asked me, "Have you gotten taller since the last time I saw you?", I could honestly say to them, "I hope not!"

I stopped growing somewhere between 5'9" and 5'10" -- right smack where I wanted to be.

But while my body was doing all that stretching vertically, it forgot to tell my knees to keep up.

So that summer, I had my first big knee injury. I had surgery. I got crutches and a brace. And then I hurt my other knee. I got a brace for it. Over the next few years, I went back and forth between dislocating my right knee and my left knee. My doctor gave me exercises I'd have to do for the rest of my life, and he told me I couldn't participate in any sports for the next 4 years. I didn't get "athletic" until after college, so at 15, that news wasn't a big deal.

When I did start running 10 years later, I ran with braces on both knees. Thankfully, random buckling incidents had died off. I still worried about my knees in certain activities, but at least they were more reliable now.

Then K and I ran the 10-Miler 2 weeks ago. We had done a training run several days before, and my left knee was swollen for a few days after. The 10-Miler left it even more swollen for a few days longer. I saw a doctor about it. They did x-rays, and when I went in for the follow-up, they took more x-rays.

I was scared they'd tell me I couldn't run anymore. Funny how all these mornings the snooze button has won out over going for a run, yet the moment it seems that option could be taken away, it seems devastating.

Thank goodness, the doctor told me I could keep running. Evidently my problem stems from the fact that my kneecaps point  to the outside of my leg rather than being center-aligned. The doctor says this is something that happened years ago when I was growing, and nothing I've done has caused it. I'm cleared to keep running, but I have new exercises to do. He also fitted me for a wicked-looking brace that came with a DVD. I was OK with that.

Then yesterday, the doctor called me again. He wants me to go back for an MRI. I guess one of the other things that's wrong with my knee(s?) made him want to get a better look.

I'm supposed to run a 10K tomorrow. Thanks to all this swelling/knee problem business, I haven't run since the 10-Miler. And since the doctor has said things to me like, "I bet your knees hurt when you have to sit for a long time, like at the movies. Here's why," I've become aware of the tinges of pain I've ignored. Like when I'm sitting on the floor hugging my knees. Or climbing stairs.

I've started babying my knees, worrying that certain movements can further damage whatever is already wrong with them. Like the constant squats in my favorite kettlebell class.

I don't like this change. I'm ready to get the stupid MRIs, have the follow-up appointment with my doctor, and know how I can go on about my life without worrying about the damage I may be inflicting upon my knees. I kind of need those things.