An officer and a jackass

I've only watched one season of The Bachelor -- the one with Jesse Palmer -- and that was mainly because a girl from Oklahoma was in it and went all the way to the final two. Maybe Jesse Palmer would be happily married today if he'd chosen her instead of the 22-year-old.

I've seen a few episodes of this season, which is called The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. I was intrigued by the title for obvious reasons. K is the perfect example of an officer and a gentleman, and I own a great movie by the same name as the one they've so generously given the star of this season's show.

I watched this season's first show with ER, who is a huge fan of The Bachelor. She thought this season's guy was hot. I thought he looked like a human ventriloquist dummy. He's a doctor, so he kept telling every girl he was making out with some line about giving her a physical. Ugh!

I don't like to throw up, so I realized in that first episode that watching this season wouldn't be a good move for me.

But Monday nights are slim pickins as far as TV shows go, so I did see a few minutes of a couple more episodes before I had to change the channel in disgust. Tonight when I came home, I turned on my TV, which I'd left on ABC from Good Morning America this morning. The finale of the show was on. I decided to watch it for a good laugh.

This season's stud didn't let me down.

He cried, he tickled and he went topless for the cameras a few times. He said on the final date with both girls that it was so perfect and romantic. He said after each girl told him she loved him that it was exactly what he needed to hear from her.

He managed to tell both of the women left in the final show that he loved them. It was classic.

Then, it was time for him to see each woman to tell her his decision. His speech sounded very memorized and very unspontaneous. Then, the girl started crying. All of a sudden, he was saying really sweet things to let her know how much he cared about her and that he didn't want her to feel rejected. He was being genuine and sweet. Finally.

Again, though, not to let the viewers down, it was time to reveal his feelings for the chosen girl. It was back to the ventriloquist dummy we knew all season long. He gave his goofy grin, he put the pauses in the right places, and he even made their kisses sound like a squegee.

And she said yes. So congrats on your engagement, Mr. Bachelor. Guess this means now you can finally give a girl that physical you've been dreaming of -- and here's hoping you don't need an exam yourself after she sees you feed 20 other women that same line.