What happened to Miss Independent?

I was on the phone with K last night as I drove back to Dallas from our weekend. He got an e-mail while we were on the phone saying that right now the plans are that he will be leaving on the 15th of August. It had been looking for several days like the 7th of August, which would be a week from today. That's changed now.

For some reason, it made me more frustrated than happy that he'd be here longer. We had already decided our Pensacola trip was back on, so that was a good thing. But I didn't know how many times I could shift around my schedule before my boss becomes unsympathetic to the whole situation. Knowing he's here longer means I'll be driving to Louisiana for two more weeks in a row. Gas is expensive, and money is a little tight right now.

But I was also thinking about something really stupid. I felt like such a selfish, immature and stupid girl for thinking about what was on my mind.

When I told a couple of my friends that K was leaving, they asked if we were getting married first. Maybe if he was going for even 6 months, but 3? Nah. I told K they'd asked me that. He said he'd even thought about it a little bit himself. He would get more money for being gone that way. And we both want to get married someday anyway ...

One of the things I thought about after the shock wore off that he was going was whether we'll get engaged before he leaves. It's something I've been wanting to happen for a long time now, but at the same time, I don't want to get engaged and then send him off. I'd want him to be here so we could enjoy it together. And I wouldn't want him to just throw some quick proposal plan together because he felt like he had to do it before he left. I told him the night we both found out he was going to Afghanistan that he didn't need to worry about anything with us. I'll be here when he gets back. (He's just going to be gone three months! That's like a summer break.)

I had a zillion things going through my head, though, and I felt absolutely ridiculous. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. K was out of the question because I don't want him to feel pressured about that. CG would probably tell me I need to quit worrying about it, and I'd feel really stupid. My single girl friends wouldn't understand at all. I thought of other girls who were dating or married to military guys. They would understand better, I thought, but at the same time, all the girls I know who fit that category are dating or married to one of K's friends. Except for my friend Rebecca. She dated this guy in the Air Force for several years. But she lives with her boyfriend of 2 years now, and they're not engaged. Whatever annoying engagement bug I caught, she doesn't have. Lucky.

I thought about blogging about my frustrations. But I only have 4 or 5 readers anyway, and I like having people read my blog. Writing about everything I was thinking would definitely make you all decide I'm crazy and make you stop reading my blog.

So I called my mom. If I'm crazy, it's her fault anyway. So I was telling her everything I was thinking about, and it was hard to even say some of it because I felt so stupid. (By the way, she told me I sound hormonal. Thanks, Mom.)

But as I was talking to her, I figured it all out. The reason I've been so antsy about wanting to get engaged is because I'm not really happy here. I don't like Dallas. The people here are pretty much selfish and unfriendly. And a lot of them are weird!

I hate my commute and my mode of mass transportation to work. (Two weeks ago, some old guy sat next to me and kept saying something to me. The only thing I could make out was "panties," so I knew I was not hearing him right. Until he touched me a little lower than my lower back and repeated whatever it was I couldn't hear because he was saying it so quietly and because he was a little insane. So I lied to the guy and told him we were at my stop, so I needed up.)

I spend most of my time here alone. I'm more used to it now, but I don't like being alone. I'm a people person. I thrive off of being around a lot of people. That's why I liked band so much. It's a huge group of people who you may have only one thing (band) in common with, but that's enough. I moved from the town I grew up in, where I knew everyone, to Norman for college. Pretty soon, I knew "everyone" there, too. It felt like home. I couldn't go to Wal-Mart without seeing 10 people I knew. Or McDonald's, or the mall, or Kinkos or anywhere else.

When I visit K, we go out in groups with his buddies and their significant others. Like I used to do in Norman and in my hometown.

I had roommates -- three of them, most of the time. In Dallas, I live alone. (Well, actually, I have Noodle now, but I prefer roommates who don't pounce on my pillow while I'm trying to sleep and who I don't have to clean up after every time they poop or pee.) I go to work, and I sit in my office alone most of the day. I'll have to do little things around the office or the building, and I see other people. I'll ask my boss a few questions or interact with people in the bathroom while I'm washing my hands or in the little kitchen area while I'm microwaving my food. But that's not much. If you're friendly to someone on mass transportation, they look at you funny, like you're crazy or something.

So marrying K is my ticket out. That's not all it is, obviously, but it's a solution to the parts of my life I don't like as much right now: (1) I only see K on weekends, (2) I have to drive 5 hours to see him, (3) My commute sucks, (4) I'll get to hang out in groups again, and (5) I'll get a new job -- maybe even a full-time job (but let's not get our hopes up too much... ), which would mean the whole money situation would be better.

It's weird to realize that I'm looking to that frankly nonexistent date I'm hoping will come next summer so I can get out of Texas and all my problems will be solved. Even my blog title has something to do with not liking it here.

I hope I'm not setting myself up for failure. I know marriage isn't perfect and that things aren't always rosy (trust me, my parents taught me that one!). I know not everthing will be perfect just because I get married and move. I know that. I just thing it'll be better.

Sure, I could move out of my apartment, out of Dallas. But where do I go? It's intimidating. The world is a big place! I'd want to go somewhere where I'd be 5 hours or less from K. I certainly wouldn't want to go farther from him. But then, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to do that, either. There are a lot of opportunities in Dallas. It's close to K and still close to my family. I live about 45 minutes from CG and 15 minutes from ER. And even if my job isn't quite full time, it's a good job. It'll look awesome on my resume. And if K and I do wind up getting married next summer, it won't make sense to pack up and restart my life somewhere else, only to do it again less than a year later.

Plus, I can't afford the $2500 it'll cost me to break my lease.

I've never been one to really rely on other people to make me happy. I've always been the cheerer-upper or the one who's happy anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm just lucky enough to have a brain that is really good at producing seratonin. And one that reacts favorably to chocolate.

I had already decided when I found out that K would be gone for three months that during that time, I'd set a goal of learning to like Dallas. It's a quicker solution to most of my little "problems," and it's taking responsibility for making things better myself. All the more reason(s!) to start trying to like Dallas.