Seriously -- get moving on No. 1

ER's parents live outside the country. She plans on visiting them this summer. The other day, she asked me when I think Kevin and I would get married if it happened this summer so she could leave after that. I thought it was funny, so I mentioned that to K when we were on the phone. His response: "This summer?!"

Of course that was frustrating, since I really wanted to get married last summer. Then, he said, "I mean, there are steps that have to be taken before that." I said, "Trust me -- I KNOW."

Then, after some prodding from him on why my mood had changed so quickly, I explained to him that I think we play games with each other, and it's frustrating. I've told him I know it's not official, but we've acknowledged that we both want to get married and that it will happen someday. But sometimes he says things like, "Someday if we get married ..." and it's confusing. It's like mixed messages. I know he's just joking, but I'm still a girl, and we're paranoid. But why do we have to joke like that?

Anyway, he said he wished I'd said something sooner, since he's been doing that a lot for a while now. I told him it was hard to say it in a way that gets across what I mean but doesn't sound like I'm saying, "Propose already!" I told him "while we're on the subject" that I didn't want him to hint about it when he started taking steps toward proposing so that way, if it didn't happen, I wouldn't be disappointed. His answer: "You don't have to worry about that." So I blurted out, "Umm, it already happened."

He asked when. I said, "You don't know?" Once I named off things he'd said that made me think it was coming (and there were more outside of the one I blogged about), he laughed like he realized how it sounded. He said, "So I guess that means I need to (1) hurry up and (2) not hint about it beforehand." I said, "Yes -- on both of those. ... But especially the first one."

K told me this summer a proposal was coming soon. And then he got sent to Afghanistan.

I'm not one of those girls who is obsessed with the future or talking about the future. I've never been obsessed with weddings or the idea of getting married. Even now, I don't have my wedding planned. I'd like K to be part of that. My old roommate had an entire wedding folder on her computer, and she wasn't even engaged. She had everything from floral arrangements to her dress, to bridesmaids' and flower girls' dresses, to cakes -- all in color schemes for a winter wedding or a summer wedding. I thought she was crazy.

I dated my college boyfriend for three and a half years, and I told him if his knee ever got close to hitting the ground in front of me, I'd break up with him because I'd know he went insane.

The reason I want to be engaged so badly to K is that it's the key to the beginning of everything I want. Once we get engaged, I'll know when we will be married. And once we're married, we'll live in the same state. In the same city. In the same house.

Sunday nights won't suck. I'll be able to see K on a Tuesday or a Thursday or a Monday morning. I won't have to fly somewhere to see him over the holidays. I'll get to spend Christmas with him. I'll get to go grocery shopping and do laundry with him. I'll get to cook him dinner and have him cook dinner for me. Heck, we could cook together.

I'll get to cuddle with him instead of the teddy bear he got me for Christmas last year. That's why I want it so badly.

I really hope K hurries up with No. 1.