guilty

It's been one week now since I heard from K. I'm getting frustrated -- about many things.

Last time I talked to him, K was apologizing because the gaps are now so big between conversations and e-mails. I told him I understand he's busy. I mean, he's in Afghanistan, commanding his own battery and doing humanitarian aid. I understand. He said, "I know, but seriously -- how long does it take to just shoot you an e-mail and say, 'Hey, I'm doing well. I love you and miss you ... talk to you soon.'?" He said he'd be better about sending more e-mails. I got one from him this week. Which is one less than last week.

I think the problem is we started off so well. It took him a while to get to the area where he is now. When he first got overseas (especially before he got to Afghanistan from the surrounding countries), he called me every day. It almost felt like he was just off training somewhere else in the U.S. or something, like the only reason I couldn't call him on his cellphone was because it wasn't with him. Right before he took command over there, he started getting busier, but I still heard from him every three or four days. He was moving around Afghanistan to all the bases where his soldiers were. Some had better phone capabilities or connections, which affected how often I'd hear from him.

The base he's mainly at now doesn't have the best phone connection, but it's not the worst we've talked on since he's been there. K doesn't stay on the phone for long because he wants to let his soldiers use it or because others are always waiting for the phone, too. I understand all that.

But I'm still frustrated, and I feel bad about it.

I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but sometimes part of me -- for just a split second -- feels like it's all a lie or like he doesn't really exist, like he's some figment of my imagination or something. I know how dumb that sounds. I don't get it. And like I said, the feeling is only there for a second before I dismiss it because it's completely ridiculous. I mean, there are reminders of him everywhere -- pictures, my necklace he gave me, his shirt hanging in my closet ... But I still get that feeling from time to time. I wonder if other girlfriends/wives/significant others have had that feeling, too.

And then there's Noodle. He's driving me crazy. Not he himself, but what he's doing. He continues to claw up parts of my carpet. I'm really worried that when I move out, I'll have to pay to have it replaced because he has decided it's the perfect way to sharpen his claws. I've thought about getting him declawed, but I don't know how much that costs. I've also thought about giving him away. But as annoying as he can be, it's nice to have company in my apartment sometimes. Even if I do have to clean a litterbox to have said company.

Last time I talked to K, he mentioned that he missed Noodle. I can't give him away while K's gone.

It's hard to think about K so much and wonder what he's doing or how he's doing, when he'll be home. About 1,000 times a day, I look at the clock and add 9.5 hours to figure out what time it is there. Right now, it's a little before noon there. He's probably been up at least 6 hours and done PT. Usually, if he calls, it's at 12:30 or 1 a.m. here so I'm guessing he's not calling tonight.

I know he thinks of me a lot there. I know that. I know he's busy, too. But it sucks that the only contact I have right now with the person I want to talk to the most in my life is pretty much one three- or four-paragraph e-mail and a 20-minute phone conversation a week.

I think about what it must have been like in WWI and WWII, the Vietnam War and even Desert Storm. I'm sure any spouse or significant other or family member of any vet from those wars would think I'm so spoiled and ridiculous for complaining that having contact twice a week with my loved one who is fighting on the other side of the world is not enough.

At the same time, there are so many couples who get to talk to each other every single day. I saw on Oprah once -- in one of those "We'll pay for your wedding" episodes, I think -- this man who said since the day he met his wife, they'd talked every single day -- even before they became a couple. I thought that was so cool. K and I never had a shot with that, since they're not even supposed to (read: supposed to) take their cell phones with them when they train out in the field. (I think most of the guys sneak them out there, anyway)

I knew K was in the military the night I met him. I knew K was probably going to be a career military man the night I met him. I considered all those things before I decided he was worth it and that I couldn't not see how things would go with him because I knew there was something special about him and between us. I knew we wouldn't get to talk much when he left. I hate that I'm frustrated, because I know he's busy. But still, you can't change how you feel.