Nightmares of K's past

So things with K are still going great. I haven't seen him in a little over a week, but I get to see him this Friday, and I can't wait. The one thing that isn't perfect in our relationship isn't a big deal, but it's something that haunts me more than he knows.

K's last relationship ended a year ago last October. He was with the girl for a little over a year. They were engaged, but she broke it off. Almost all of K's friends have told me that they liked her, but that there was just something missing with her, or something not quite right about the two of them. One of K's best friend's wives (Kristin) -- who is actually K's ex-fiance's best friend (it was at Kristin's wedding that K met his ex-fiance) -- told me that the girl had an unhealthy view of marriage, since her parents divorced at an early age. She had actually told Kristin the day that K bought the engagement ring that she knew she didn't want to marry him. My question: WHY DID SHE SAY YES?!? Kristin told me that the girl knew if she was going to marry anyone, K was a great guy and there wouldn't be much better than him to spend the rest of her life with.

Now, K and I didn't know each other at this time, and I was in a bad relationship of my own, but I knew we would never get married. It really doesn't make much sense, but it's hard for me to know that he's been engaged before. I knew he had been the night we met. It's not like it was some surprise that surfaced after we'd been together a few months. But the thing is, I always imagined the guy I would marry someday would say to his friends when I wasn't looking, "I'm gonna marry that girl someday." Did he say that about her? I know he probably doesn't say it about me, even though he's told me he could see us together for a long time.

And we really haven't talked about the whole marriage thing but a couple times. I brought it up very nervously in late September. I knew I felt that way about him, and it came up in a conversation with one of his friends. Everyone in my life knows I want to marry him. My whole office knows. My whole family knows. All my friends know. Everyone. So when it came up with his friend, I figured I should tell him pretty soon because his friend may actually remember I said it (despite the few beers under his belt at the time) and tell K before I could. So I told him that I knew I wanted to marry him someday. That was in September. We started dating at the end of May. I realize this was fast, but when you know, you know -- right? So I think it kinda freaked K out because he didn't expect me to say that. I was worried that I had really screwed things up the next day, and we actually wound up e-mailing each other at work about it, and it wasn't a big deal. I told him that I wanted him to know I only plan on getting engaged once. I don't want it to be rushed into, and I don't want it to happen until we're both ready. I told him I understood if he was hesitant to talk about it because of what happened to him. I had only wanted him to know I felt that way.

So he told me he understood and that he wasn't freaked out. He said we would talk about it more later. We've talked about it very briefly a couple times since then, but not really a big conversation. Once, he was talking to one of his college buddies, and the guy was telling K he'd gone ring shopping with his girlfriend, who he'd started dating in August (which is three months *after* K and I started dating). Anyway, K told his friend to be careful: "You don't want to rush anything. Take it from me." At that point, I left the room to give him privacy and because I had some things to think about. It had hurt my feelings that he'd said that. I confronted him later about it. I told him I figured out what his friend had said by his response, and that his response wasn't cool. I told him that different things work for different people. His friend was calling with some exciting news that he wanted to share, and K was responding with a negative, damning comment. I told him that I understand that his ex-fiance really hurt him and that he didn't want to see his friend go through that, too, but that that wouldn't happen to everyone. I told him if I based my fears off past relationships, I'd never date again because I'd be convinced any guy I dated would cheat on me (I am three for three, after all). I told him that he knows how I feel about him, and that I don't want to rush anything and that if he wasn't ready to talk about that, it was fine. But I didn't want the reason we hadn't talked about it to be because of her, because that's not fair to me. I told him his response to his friend's news really upset me -- for his friend and for me.

So K wound up actually crying and apologizing. He said he didn't want to be "that guy," and he felt bad that he had reacted that way to his friend. He apologized to me and said that he didn't want me to think he was just floating through our relationship. He said he was really happy and could see us being together for a really long time. He wanted me to know he was taking it seriously and that it wasn't just going nowhere.

So that's about as much as we've talked about it. I asked him a few weeks ago some more questions about his relationship with his ex. He told me that he realizes now that he really didn't love her, that he only proposed to her because everyone else his age was getting married and it seemed like just what was supposed to come next. He said they didn't have the connection that he and I have, and that they didn't know each other as well. They didn't talk about as deep or intimate things as we do. And they didn't have as much fun as we do together. So that made me feel good. He said that she has nothing on me.

I've told K several times that he doesn't need to compare the two of us. I know if things don't work out for us, I'd be sad to think that he could be downplaying what we have to some other girl later, so I don't want him to do that to his ex.

But I feel like she's still ahead. Not that it's a competition by any means. But she has something that I don't, and something that I will never be able to have. She has his first proposal. That's something a guy puts a lot of thought and effort into. And if we get engaged, it'll be his second time around. Not that that will make it any less special for me, by any means. But what I really have trouble with is that I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. I have never felt ready to marry someone until him. And if things don't work out with us, I'll be absolutely devastated. I can't imagine ever feeling about someone or loving another guy the way I do K. And to me, if he felt about her the way I feel about him (which, to me, it seems he should have, since they were engaged), then there's no way he can't have feelings for her still.

He's told me time and again that she made any feelings he had for her disappear when she broke off the engagement. He's told me that he realized he didn't really truly love her. He's told me all of these things to reassure me (Not that I bring this up with him a lot or anything. It's just come up a few times over the last 9 months.). But I still can't get it through my thick head!

I've even had dreams about her. Last night, I had a dream that K and I were shopping. He was in a different store, and I ran in to this little shop/boutique. I found this pair of socks (?) that I wanted, and I was talking to a worker about one of them. She told me that CM (she said K's ex's name) had just sold a pair earlier. I looked over, and I saw her leaning over a table, straightening some shirts. When I looked at her, she did kind of look like the few pictures of her I had seen before. But she had brown hair. (I'm the first brunette K has ever dated. His ex was a blonde. And K, who says he's a "butt guy," said she had a big butt and was flat-chested. I have a small butt, and I'm flat-chested, too. K told me he thought her butt was too big. I can't help but wonder if he thought it was too big when they were together, or if he's decided since.) I noticed that she also had big boobs and a small to average-sized butt. I said to the girl who was helping me, "That's CM? I'm dating her ex-fiance now. I'm K's girlfriend." Now K's ex has told him (in real life) that she'd like to meet me some time, which is fine, but at the same time, it's weird -- why does she want to meet me? He's out of her life. She made it that way. But I looked at her (in the dream) and said nothing to her. She didn't even see me.

So I walked out on the street, and K was walking toward me and the store. I said to him, "You'll never guess who's in there." And I said his ex's name. He looked at me with a strange look on his face, because even I know she doesn't work at a clothing boutique. But we didn't go in. And that's all of the dream I remember. I think it was over then.

I really wish I could stop making her an issue. She's not for him, and I really don't think he knows how much I think about him and her. I've had a few dreams about her before. In one, I realized who she was, and she was still wearing the ring. Her friend was bragging about it. I turned to her and said, "Don't you know who I am?! I'm K's girlfriend now. Why are you still wearing that? You broke it off!" What's weird is that I know she doesn't even have the ring anymore. He has it in a safety deposit box.

I can only hope that someday when we do get engaged, I won't feel she has something I don't. All of his friends have told me -- unprodded, I might add -- that he's so much happier now and that we go together so much better. They've told me I'm perfect for him. I am with him now, and we make each other happy. She's really not in the picture. He barely talks to her anymore -- maybe once every three months or so. I trust him completely. I know he has no feelings for her, but I still can't get the whole thing out of my head.

Is this normal???