The 'm word'

I was going to answer Jes's question to my previous post in the comment section, but I realized it would simply be too long, since the answer is complex and since I hate leaving out details. So here it goes, Jes:

Yes, we have talked about marriage. I knew he was "the one" very early on. We met on May 26 last year. We hung out throughout the weekend in between our friends' wedding activities, and then I went back to Norman, Oklahoma, and he went back to Louisiana. He was out in the field (which, in Army lingo, means that he's basically camping outside in the ridiculous heat; showering in a tiny little curtained-off make-shift shower; eating MREs, which is the Army's version of camp food that they eat in combat and in the field; doing drills and enactments to prepare for combat; and probably some supervising stuff since he's an officer. I'm sure I've missed lots of other stuff, but I think you get the idea.) ...

So he was out in the field for the next month or so, then he went to Pennsylvania to visit his family. Keep in mind that all this time, we were talking on the phone almost every day for two and three hours getting to know each other. It was from these conversations that I started feeling that K was it for me. I didn't tell anyone until August, though, because I didn't want to seem like I was being ridiculous. And for all I knew, when I did get to see him again he might eat with his mouth open or tell really bad jokes or even smell bad and I just didn't notice it before.

He got back from Pennsylvania on July 2. He came to my apartment with flowers, the Howie Day CD, the Coldplay CD and the Dashboard Confessional CD (He'd burned them all for me. He had bought them all online, so they were legal.). It was the second time we'd seen each other. We hadn't kissed yet or even held hands. We hung out at my apartment for about 30 minutes before we headed to Oklahoma to watch my brother race. My family always has our reunions on the 4th of July, so we were going for that, too. It just worked that that was the best time for him to come, which was cool because my family is awesome. :)

On our way to Oklahoma, we had a great conversation. We had somehow talked about cows peeing and were laughing about how funny it is. And then we passed a cow peeing! Once we got to the races, we noticed that we had the same tennis shoes -- mine the women's color scheme and his the men's color scheme. (In case you were wondering, we did finally kiss that night.) At my reunion, everyone loved him. He fit in, and it was great. It was the best 4th of July ever. We made it back to my hometown from the reunion in time to see the big fireworks show there. Afterward, we went back to my dad's and leaned against the fence watching other people's big fireworks all around and a storm that was slowly rolling in, all while cuddling and talking. It was just a nice, relaxing night. That was the night we both fell in love. :)

So about the marriage topic ... He's been engaged before, but he's never been married, so obviously that didn't work out (well, it did for me!). She broke it off with him, and he has said many times he realizes that it was a good thing because they weren't right for each other, but it was still painful.

Like I said, I started telling people in August that I knew I wanted to marry him. The reaction I got from CG: "Duh! I knew a long time ago you guys would get married someday." My dad's girlfriend said, "Good! So we're not the only ones who think that." ("We're" meant my family in OK.) It came up in conversation with one of K's friends one late September night. I had wanted to say something to K that weekend, but the two times I tried to bring it up, something else happened. The first time(Saturday night), I actually think we both fell asleep (it was a late night). And the second time (Sunday morning), I got this random sharp pain that made me go, "Ow!" and explain why I just said that. Since I had told K's friend Jeff, I felt like I needed to tell K before he heard it from his friend. So that night when I called K to tell him I'd gotten home okay, I brought it up. I think it caught him off guard. It didn't go well at all. I was crying and felt so stupid, and when I woke up the next day, I was sure I'd screwed things up. I felt awful. I called CG during my lunch break, and she told me I should e-mail him and explain better what I had tried to say the night before, since the way I was stumbling around trying to tell him sounded like I was trying to either propose myself or tell him I was pregnant. lol

I e-mailed him what I had wanted to say -- that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I told him I understood if he was apprehensive after what happened to him. I also told him in saying that I didn't mean I wanted to be proposed to that day, the next month or the week before. I just felt that way and wanted him to know. Getting married is something I only intend to do once, and I feel the same about being engaged. I told him I didn't want it to be something that happened before either of us was ready and that I didn't want it to be rushed into. He e-mailed me back and said he wasn't scared off and that he hoped I knew that. He said we'd talk more about it later. I never really brought it up, and he didn't either.

One weekend in January, I was at K's when one of his best friends called and told him he had gone ring shopping with his girlfriend. They'd been dating since sometime in August, at the earliest. K's friend wasn't on speaker, but I could tell by K's reaction what Al had told him. K said, "That's kinda fast, don't you think? Just be careful. Take it from me -- you don't want to rush anything." It really bothered me that K had said that. I went upstairs to give him privacy on the phone. When K came up, I said something to him. I blurted out, "I heard what you said to Al." He laughed nervously and looked at me. I said: "What you said really bothered me. Different things work for different people. He called you with news he was probably excited about, and you were telling him to be careful." I told him I understood he didn't want Al to go through the same thing, but just because it happened to K doesn't mean it'll happen to everyone else. My parents got engaged after they'd been dating/known each other a month. A girl I work with did the same thing. Other couples are together for years before they get married. I said I understood if he was being cautious, but that I wasn't his ex and I wasn't going to do that; I know how I feel about him, and I've told him. I said that if I went off my past, I'd never date again because I've had three boyfriends in my life, and all three have cheated on me. I said that if he wasn't ready to talk about the future, that's fine because I don't want to rush anything. But if the reason we hadn't really talked about it is because of what she did, then it wasn't fair. I told him that what he said to Al really upset me -- both for Al and for me.

After I said all that, K came over to me. I realized he was actually crying. He said I was right and he felt bad for having that reaction to Al's news. He said he didn't want me to think he was just going along and enjoying a free ride, not taking us seriously. He said that he could definitely see us together for a very long time.

Since then, it's sort of come up, but at the same time, not really. Once around Valentine's Day, K was joking around, and he slipped and said I better not let him go to Argentina "until after we get married. We've also each talked together about things we'd do for our weddings. I talked about how all my bridesmaids are going to be brunettes (not intentional -- just my closest friends have dark hair). He named off all 15 of his groomsmen (actually, I think the number was 9 or 10, which is still pretty freakin' ridiculous. the guy has too many close friends! damn Army!). Another time a couple months ago, we were talking about where each of us would get married.

And of course, it came up a few of the times I mentioned in the post about the wedding last weekend. I've also noticed that K has been bringing up the "m word" in conversation in his own odd way lately. For example, the other day, I said, "I love the All-American Rejects!" K responded, "Why don't you marry them." He's been saying that a lot to me over the last two or three weeks. He had never said it before then. I can't help but wonder if it's guy way of getting comfortable saying the word... lol Especially since he never said that before.

So, Jes, to make a short story long (but get in almost every detail), yes. We have talked about marriage. Sort of. :)